Journal Entry 2-22-11

Current mood upset.
Over the past week i have been going on an up and down roller coaster. Let us start with Last week Wednesday I was at a seminar learning new ways to invest money and make a difference in my life. Well I got a call from my mother who told me my current job doing advertising for a Home Care Service is a waste of time and I should quit. It really hurt me. Also at this time I was taking some medication for Anxiety Attacks each night before bed which led me to near Suicide. I will get into that later.

So Back to Wednesday first off I got yelled at by my mother who thinks me a failure in life and then i get home to hear my aunts yell at me about the house not clean enough when i spend all day advertising the job. After I get mad I tell them it is stressing me that I can’t see my gf in another country cause I don’t have money and I am not working cause i am disability. They yell at me that I shouldn’t promise her to be there by any time cause I am not working or making that much money that i should also quit my job.

So now I am depressed cause my Aunts encouraged this job for so long and when i get it they want me to quit cause it isn’t looking promising in their eyes. So again I am depressed and the medication is pushing me to suicide already.

So Friday comes around and one of my Aunts tell me that they are going to the Philippines in April and ask if I want to send anything to my gf knowing that I want to go so badly and told me I can’t go to only 2 days later tell me they are going and leaving me behind. Later Friday afternoon after discussing it they decide to take me with them but only if one of my other aunts pays a share of the plane ticket they tell me to call her Saturday night and discuss it with her. Now this aunt has lots of money and can easily afford numerous tickets and I am on good terms with her so I called her and asked her she said she would discuss it with the Aunts I live with.

So Sunday morning approaches I hope for good news when one of my aunts calls me to talk to me. (Now they are not far from me but they call my cell phone for some reason whenever they need me or have questions for me.) So they wind up telling me no one is going cause this rich Aunt doesn’t want to help me in any way shape or form and I am gonna have to wait till July. Now my meds are already making suicidal and then I get hit with this bad news and I am so depressed with all of it that I am already planning on offing myself. So I show up late for their Church (I only go due to obligation to my Aunts who think going there will help improve my life.)

So I am there and I finally start asking the questions ur not supposed ask cause I am so already so depressed that I don’t care. So after I get done with the meeting I walk out and the Pastor stops me and asks me about a job and realizes I am really close to the end is what he says. He says I have dangerous mind to ask those questions. I tell him what happened and he says he will talk to my family. So after getting home my family and I talk about it and they said they will help me get the ticket and all is okay.

Then on Monday 2-21-11 I am again called to speak to my Aunts and they are yelling at me cause one of the Parishioners is offering me some money for pocket money for my trip. They got mad and said it made them look bad. I was like I only spoke to the Pastor about my problem not to this Parishioner about it. So now they are mad cause the Parish thinks I am financially devastated when I never said I was that bad financially. I was broke not devastated. Then they told me I am not supposed to talk to anyone about my problems including the Pastor who they told me to tell my problems to. They told me to ask him to pray for me but don’t tell him what or why he needs to from now on. So I got pissed off again. I don’t know why they act this way. They even went as far as saying the next time things aren’t going my way not to go to the Church and say i am gonna hang myself like I was doing it for attention reasons. That they are helping me but they aren’t gonna do it again. So I was like WTF! u tell me to talk to these people now u don’t want me to. WTF! So I was like u tell me to go to this place to talk to these people and they offer to help cause a member eavesdrops on the conversation and it is my fault!?

So I admit my Energy is out of control cause I was happy for a bit then they complain and say it is wrong to say anything and that I can’t be going to the Pastor there and tell him my problems after telling me to do it. So I don’t know what to think. I feel this is abuse to me and forcing me to do what they want but due to the fact I live with them and can’t afford to go on my own I have no choice.

I mean they implied that i was doing it to get my way by saying I was gonna hang myself when I was about to in reality and saying that I can’t do that again when I had no intention of it. So yea my family is crazier then me.

Oh here is another thing they tell everyone that I am not paying a Penny to them but I am paying my electricity I was like if my money goes into ur hand to pay anythign I am not living for free.

So that has been my week. Can anyone help me understand why I am constantly around Dark Siders and negative people and can’t get away from them?

My First PLP

Personal Learning Plan Worksheet

Randy Morgan 2/5/2011

No Advisor at this time.

Working towards Adept from Introduction course.

Daily activities

1. Bike Riding and Physical Workout  done 1hr  a day

2. Punching bag, some kata 30-45mins a day

3. Reading 2-3hrs a day.

Courses Completed

1. Intro course 2-5-11

Additional Goals

First Aid training Completed 9-2009

Work Career Goals

1. To get a better job and be financially comfortable

2. To become Successful.

Personal Development

1. To learn to control my energy

2. To not let my Doubts and Fears take control of me.

3. To stay Focused and Positive.

Obstacles to Training                                                         Ways around them

1. Time                                                                                  Make more of an effort to make time

2. Stress                                                                                I need to keep my mind clear

3. Fears and Negativity                                                      I have to keep positive and focused.

 

 

 

 

Assignment 6 Leadership

1. What would your life be like now had you not made the decisions that you did? I know I wouldn’t be where I am now today. I know if I had done things differently my life would turn out. I know that when I lived in Cleveland OH I loved being there but if I had stayed I would never have met the people I have or had the experiences that I did. I also know that other peoples decisions affected my life also. If that hadn’t happen I also would never had the experiences I had.

2. How did you feel as a leader? Personally I feel I am a great leader and have been most of life. I know that when needed I take charge. In many occasions during my Security Career I had to take charge of the other Security Officers and lead them in order for things to go well and smoothly. I was the unofficial Supervisor of my Security Site. So after years of experiencing being a Leader I feel I would be a great Leader.

3. How can you apply what you learned from that moment to future potential leadership moments that may arise? Well I know if the situation arises I can take charge and lead others. I have done it so many times with so many different situations. I know that what I learned and experienced would help me greatly.

Assignment 5 Communication

Well I am going to discuss the recent times I spoke to certain people. Well I am gonna start with my Aunts boyfriend who on numerous occasions is known to cause drama. Recently we went to an apartment complex to drop off some stuff for my cousin. Unfortunately we didn’t have the apartment number and my Aunts BF had no memory of where it is exactly is. So he went into office to talk to the Managers saying that I was his nephew. He kept saying he was interested in getting an apartment and knowing prices.

Here is the list of things I noticed.

1. I could feel an energy change in the air

2. His posture constantly changed and he wouldn’t look at the person directly and kept shifting his attention to all others things he could.

I also had this happen when my Uncle was talking to me as he was talking to me I could feel his energy change constantly as he lied to me. The more he spoke the more the energy was becoming more and more Negative and deceptive. I also noticed that his wife’s energy did the same as they both spoke to me and that. Whenever I am around My Uncle and his family I can feel the deceptive energy all around.

These were my observations of what happens when people lie.

Assignment 4 Spirituality

1. Where have your spiritual beliefs originated?I don’t know I guess my Spiritual Beliefs came from various places and religions. I studied Shamanism, Buddhism, Jedism, Catholism, Paganism, Wicca/ So I went into different areas. I wanted to learn other things and find other views on what is around us. Shamanism I learned from a Native American Shaman and I everything has soul and being. Buddhism I learned from a Buddhist Monastery and at a small Temple I was only a student not a full member I learned from them that life u are supposed to do what u want without intentionally harming another. Jedism I learned through Mijan, Reklaw, and some websites and from Star Wars books. I learned about the Force how everything is connected and u mix all three it says the same things. In Catholism I am told so many different things like we are all Gods children but only Jesus was blessed with gifts. That we are only of flesh and body and if we do not follow the rules of God u will be sent to Hell. When I learned Paganism I learned there more then we think in this world like Creatures of the night, and beings of light. Wicca I think I learned more about how to use magick for the use of good and for the well being of others.

For instance, were you raised with a religion, or were religious and spiritual topics never addressed in your house? The only religious things that were discussed were Catholism. All others I learned on my own away from the house. And from others.

2. How do you know when you are doing the right thing vs. the wrong thing? That is hard to answer but I would say it was the feeling inside me. Like once I was helping a friend cause he was trying to get in contact with a mutual friend of ours I was more then happy to help him but after I found out he lied I felt obligated to fix the situation and felt Honor bound to do so.

Do you base this on external laws (like the 10 commandments, or the laws of your country)? I would say Yes and NO. Most was based on society and yea external laws. I mean lots of it had to do with external laws and being told what i am allowed to do.

Do you listen to your conscience, even though it may go against the standard ‘rules’ of society? Yes though society doesn’t understand fully what I am. A good example was when I was being compelled to stay in my car when I should have gone into the Facility to complete the CNA course I was taking. My family feels I am a failure cause I am no longer in the program and can’t do that kind of work. I know what I felt was something telling me I wasn’t meant for that life or for that kind of work.

3. What are your beliefs about death?I believe we never die that we are energy and we can never truly die. That we keep going till we chose to longer return to this realm.

Do you believe we have one lifetime or more in physical form?I believe it is up to us to decide what we want to do if we want to return or not to. I mean it is a choice. I believe I have lived more then once and I have had a past life Regression session that showed me a couple of those lives. I won’t go into details. I know I was a Chinese Warrior, A Japanese Samurai or Ninja I am unsure of all the details, A Scottish warrior, A medieval house wife. A healer from long ago. I also know from some past teachers that I was a Native American Shaman. I don’t know much about the info.

What do you believe happens when you die? I believe that we go to where we perceive ourselves to go when we die if we believe we will go to heaven then we go there if we believe in a Hell and did wrong then we will go there. I believe I will return to the Universe and become one with everything until I decide to return or not. I will be everything and nothing at the same time. I can’t say much more because I believe that our memory is erased so we learn who we are and societies programming causes us to forget.

Where did these beliefs come from? Lots of different places like teachers, and books. In Catholism it was all based on if we were good and followed Gods rules we went to Heaven and if we didn’t we were banished to Hell and meant to spend forever burning and nothing more then being burned and punished.

4. Do you believe in God of some kind?Yes I believe that something helped create this universe and make a difference in our lives. I believed that God created us and this Universe and that we all have parts to play in this life. That is why we live life.

If so, what are the primary characteristics of this God? I don’t think I can give Characteristics of God I being he is everything that we wish him or her to be. If he shows himself to one person and then to another in different form it becomes more and more difficult to believe he has shown himself or herself. I do know that he or she is there watching over us and helping us.

5. What do you consider spiritual practices? Which do you practice (if any)? I consider Meditation and energy development.

Assignment 3 Jedi Creed Revised

What are your top 3 beliefs?Life is a Gift and should be protected. It is wrong to see something wrong happen to another and do nothing. Fear must be conquered to achieve ur dreams.

Why? Because I just believe this is how I am.

How did you come to those realizations?Through past experiences and seeing wrongs done.

What was a situation where this belief was exemplified? Once I saw a 17yr old girl being attacked by 5 people but everyone around her did nothing. She could have been killed, she could have been severely hurt and no one did anything and by the time I got there the attackers left. I saw that everyone was afraid to get involved cause they didn’t want to get hurt.

What happens when there is a choice between two different lives? When there is a choice u must feel the Force Guide u  in what to do I mean it is hard to save one life over another but unless there is a for sure way u must choose. Sad to say it is never an easy. For instance, most people eat animals. Is an animal’s life not a gift? Yes animals life’s are a gift but it would depend on the situation. I do not hunt but I do eat meat. I enjoy meat. The difference is how it is being done. Like are u taking the animals life to survive and feed ur self or are u doing it for. I mean if u are killing and not eating but just stuffing the animal in my opinion it is wrong.

What of the death penalty? The death penalty is hard for me to answer always have been. The reasons be that each person on death row may not want to change and may intend to keep killing no matter what. There was an incident where Jacen (In the Legacy of the Force books) made such a choice where a man was telling him he would kill all the hostages and make the Jedi watch. He had no intention of letting anyone live Jacen not only killed him but one hostage in the process in order to save the other lives. It was a hard decision but there was no other choice.  I believe if the person on death row has no intention of getting better and has all the intentions to keep killing then yes I believe it is needed in our society because without it the people who are killing for the sake of killing and for pure enjoyment must be stopped. If it keeps going the cycle of pain and loss keeps going. It may never end.

For one of your beliefs you posted about not doing something when something wrong happens to another. Do you think people should always act when a wrong is being committed? Yes I believe if  a wrong is being committed then yes people should act. There is a saying “The only thing that evil needs to triumph is for good people to do nothing…” What might be some other solutions? I can’t answer that because each situation will be different. I can say u can do this or this but it all depends on the situation.

Fear is also an interesting life teacher. Does all fear need to be conquered? Yes fear should be conquered cause it holds us back from achieving our goals. It poisons us from keeping positive energy in us. Is there anything like good fear? Yes there is good fear like being nervous is a type of fear and in a lot of cases it isn’t bad and it actually helpful to remind u that u are still human but u must not let it take over u and control ur actions. Is there a better alternative to handling your fears rather than conquering them? By Accepting ur fears it is conquering them I guess I say Conquering is the same as dealing and accepting those fears. Can u live with fear in ur life yes. It is part of being human but again u can’t allow it to run ur actions.

 

 

Journal Entry 1

Today was very hard on me. Today I had to move all my cousins stuff out of her old room to her new apartment for her and her Fiance. It was hard because she stabbed me in the back and yet and the same time she is living with someone. I don’t know if she loves him or is just using the guy. It isn’t my life so I can’t say what she is thinking or feeling. I just know what I felt.

When I was there part of me was angry and jealous of her. I was angry cause what she and her family did to me and the other part of me was jealous. Currently I am on disability and I don’t know what to do because of my gf being in the Philippines and I am trying to visit her this year. It is hard on me cause I don’t know what to do about it and my family constantly reminds me of that she is waiting. I just want to work and make money to bring her here. I am just having a hard time. I am working sohard to make it happen.

I was angry more at myself cause I am not making things happen fast enough. I was angry at her for having someone who wants to be with them and yet not be deserving of what she has yet at the same time it makes my life harder to be reminded of what is happening to me and knowing i have no control over it. I just need to have Faith and get past my fears. It isn’t easy cause of the problems facing me financially.

Over the last couple days I noticed more of my fears and doubts and reminding myself that I am gonna be okay. I know they are there but I am not gonna let them rule me. It is hard due to past programming. I will be okay.